


Forge a little more in the quiet that we found

by URSEN



Series: The things left unsaid, and how to work around the past. [2]
Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst No Happy Ending, Angst and Drama, BPD Riku, F/M, M/M, Mental Health Issues, No Spoilers, No Spoilers for Kingdom Hearts III, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Riku's POV, Teen Angst, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Trans Riku, autistic riku, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-05
Updated: 2020-02-05
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:13:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22576114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/URSEN/pseuds/URSEN
Summary: He missed these calm moments, before he went through so many things. People told him it was part of growing up, but he found it highly doubtful many twenty-one year old's slept next to a dead man at a point in their lives. Doubtful, that many people his age traveled as far as he did, changing who he was just to come back not fully whole, knowing fully well those pieces of him he scattered to the wind as he traveled.
Relationships: Kairi & Riku & Sora (Kingdom Hearts), Kairi & Riku (Kingdom Hearts), Kairi/Sora (Kingdom Hearts), Past Riku/Sora, Riku & Sora (Kingdom Hearts), Riku/Sora (Kingdom Hearts)
Series: The things left unsaid, and how to work around the past. [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1624384
Kudos: 3





	Forge a little more in the quiet that we found

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from Birds of a Feather - Kind of Like Spitting.
> 
> This fic is probably incredibly out of character for Sora, as it's based off a conversation I had a while ago. I was in a really weird headspace when I was writing this, so I'll most likely go back and fix it up so Sora sounds a lot more like himself.
> 
> (Small Note: Riku mentions sex at one point in this fic, although I've aged them up, there's absolutely no nsfw going on at all. They're kids in canon, let's not be gross!)
> 
> Follow me on Twitter: https://twitter.com/GRIZZCHOP

A muggy evening. He finds himself tapping his foot gently against the cold tile of the kitchen. The gentle summer breeze from an open window kept him from being too cold, as he nursed a cup of tea in both hands. Riku tilted his face towards the window, eyes closed, breathing in the scent of a freshly rained night.

He missed these calm moments, before he went through so many things. People told him it was part of growing up, but he found it highly doubtful many twenty-one year olds slept next to a dead man at a point in their lives. Doubtful, that many people his age traveled as far as he did, changing who he was just to come back not fully whole, knowing fully well those pieces of him he scattered to the wind as he traveled. 

He lets his mind roam for a moment, thinking about the people he’s met on his way to being this confused, weirdly shaped young adult. He thinks back to his old friends, and how they manipulated him into becoming the bad guy whenever he felt like he was doing the wrong thing for all the right reasons. How his mom would tell him his heart was just big and strong and that’s why it cared so much. How he used to be more optimistic, a good kid.

He thinks about the adults he used to trust as a child, how he was showing signs of being autistic beforehand. But his grades hadn’t slipped, so they dismissed it as him being overly worried. Before he learned what cigarettes and alcohol could do to your system, and how it felt truly more therapeutic than sleeping off whatever fight he had with whoever the previous day.

He thinks about the conversation he had with Xion, how happy she looked when Roxas had come to get her, and how happy he was when he could sit next to Sora again like the past few years hadn’t happened. They could talk almost as easily as before, at least enough to play games together before Sora would get up and stretch, explaining how he had to get home soon.

He looked down and realized he had finished his tea.

Riku put away the mug, shuffling out of his kitchen and grabbing his phone before shutting the light off and making his way up the stairs. He was a bit tired, feeling that it had been a long day of simply existing. Riku then started making sure he kept his body sustained so that if anything were to happen to him, it wasn’t simply fatigue, and there was something he could actually point out to a doctor for once. 

He looked down at his phone, accidentally tapping his messages and making his way to close them before seeing a name at the end of the rather short list: Sora. He gnawed at the bottom of his lip before tapping his face, and tapping the call button.

“Hmm… Hello? Riku?” Sora mumbled as soon as the phone connected. Riku held his breath for a moment, considering his words before finally speaking up.

“Hey I just, I just realized I never properly have said sorry to you.”

“Oh… For?” Sora questioned.

“Uh, High school? Everything? I was just uh, thinking about it. And how I was kind of a cunt to you.” 

Sora huffed a small laugh, shuffling around on the other side to get comfortable. Riku made his way fully up the stairs and sat down at the edge of his bed before Sora spoke back up again.

“It was years ago, Riku! You were a different person, literally.”

“Yeah, I guess that's true… still though, I'm sorry for what I did to you.”

Sora paused, and sighed. “I just wish she loved me, ever. But it's fine now!”

“Do you want my honest answer to that?” 

“If it will help you, I don't mind hearing it. like if it's something you need to get off your chest.”

Riku sighed, thinking for a moment, “I think she did, I can't really confirm, she really does feel like an entirely separate person from who I am now, and if that's bad or good I still have years to figure that out. But I know she cared, and she enjoyed the time she spent with you. I think the shit that had happened to her before and the situation she was going from made her lose sight of what really mattered to her, and made her lose herself entirely and become who I am now.  
I think she was scared mostly of having someone matter too much to her after losing people she really loved so easily-”

“I know.” Sora stated.

“It’s rough waters sometimes, but I'm glad we're still friends. You really did help me a lot and I can't really ever thank you enough for that.”

“I just wish you would've known how much I felt and how deeply I felt for you.” Sora insisted. “For all that time, I’ve never really loved like that, but you're very welcome, Riku! I just want everyone now to keep on being okay.” He stopped as if hesitating before continuing “But also… I don’t think we’ll ever be able to hang out again. Kairi’s moving in with me today!”

Oh.

It was a blessing Riku’s voice didn’t crack immediately, but he kept a brave face on, even though Sora couldn’t see him through the phone. “It’s fine Sora, and it’s probably better we don’t” he agreed easily, “Not anytime soon at least, last time we hanged out I was just feeling a bit lonesome.” 

“Why were you...lonely?” Sora almost sounded sad over the other end, and Riku cursed himself for being too open.

“I... don't know the answer to that either.I mean I do but it doesn't feel correct or complete-”

“I need to know that.” Sora insisted again.

Riku hesitated, “Well… I've known you all my life, being with you or talking to you really sets my mood most of the time, so hanging out whenever was always viable to me in some way  
be it just hanging out or getting to hear some new music, or just playing games, it was always a good time.But... at that point I just felt like, like I was temporary in most people's lives, especially yours.”

Sora huffed on the other end, “What would lead you to feel temporary to someone who has actually wanted nothing more but to be the fruit of your love this whole time?”

Riku was thankful Sora couldn’t see the hard frown on his face at that moment. “I mean, I avoided you for two years purely on a grudge and a bad fall out, It felt like it was your turn to do the same, I guess.”

“-and a deeper question, when I told you that I had feelings for you and that I wanted you, which was making you a more permanent fixture in my life?”

Riku hesitated, not entirely sure how to respond.

“Riku, this is going to be a lot, and probably the last time I ever talk like this with you in this way, but I didn't care if you were Riku or Ansem or anyone else, I just wanted you and I wanted to make you happy. I wanted to give you a home so you wouldn't feel like you always to leave when shit went awry, but internally I also have felt for a very long time that I just didn't matter enough. My feelings didn't matter enough and I had felt for a very long time that I was nothing and meant nothing and that's why you just didn't want to bother with me. But, I always sort of held onto this hope that I'd finally be able to figure you out, eventually. And that drove me for sometime. That hope, that love, that want to prove to you that I could be worth your love or whatever. And it sounds dumb and was dumb as hell!” 

“No, that's what scared me! I felt like as long as I could hold you at a distance it'd be okay, like I didn't have to mold with you to be right, or let you see inside of me, it felt like being with you was holding sand. I couldn't grip too tight or it'd just spill out of my hands, there isn't really a good way of holding sand anyway.” Riku started to ramble, his thoughts and his mouth not fully staying lined up.

“Riku-” 

“So I just held it loosely, as if it spilled it was inevitable and not my fault. Not my fault again at least… I didn’t care about sex or anything, I cared about you, and that scared me because for the first time in a long time I could see myself being with someone again who truly cared about me. And i didn't know how to react to it, not even my parents feel permanent in my life!”

“So you push me away like six times over the course of five years!?”

Riku stopped, his mouth dry. 

“Instead of just letting yourself be with who you cared about? You just pushed me away like that makes it okay?”

“What would i have done if I lost you like i lost him?”

Sora went silent on the other end. Riku for a moment in sheer panic thought Sora had immediately hung up before he heard more shuffling, as if the boy on the other end had stood up. “I don't like making you feel bad, but thank you for the apology Riku. Kairi’s supposed to be here any minute, I need to get downstairs so I can help her with her bags.” 

“Sora-” *click!* 

Sora had hung up, leaving Riku full of regret. 

Riku stared at his phone, before dropping it, and kicking it to the other side of the room. He fumbled around for a moment, looking for his coat before pulling out his cigarettes and lighting one immediately, not concerned about the smell at the moment. He let his mind race, thinking how stupid he was for letting Sora go like that. How he let himself feel surprised that Kairi was moving in- of course she was. Sora had told him himself when he had returned to their islands that they had begun dating again. 

Riku groaned into his hands, and put the cigarette out on his bare knee, ignoring the sting, before flicking it into the trash. He stood up, wobbly for a moment and unsure what to do, looking around left and right at his room before sighing, and simply shuffling to lock his door shut. He moved to his bed, grabbing his phone to set an alarm quickly before tossing it on the other corner of his bed to deal with in the morning.

As he laid down and closed his eyes, he thought that maybe there was a better word for sorry.  
And then thought, he’d probably need a better word than that.

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from Birds of a Feather - Kind of Like Spitting.
> 
> Last line is from A Softer World.
> 
> Follow me on Twitter! Maybe force me to write fluff for once LOL: https://twitter.com/GRIZZCHOP


End file.
